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October 7th, 2005
01:40 pm - It's Been a Helluva Ride
Hey eveyrone, this is the author of Emperor Tim's vibrant life, full of it's sorrow and disappointment. And of course, humor. Lots of that I think...
Anyway, it's been real, but I think it's time to let Tim go. I'm out of steam and my fire for this sort of sardonic writing is out.
So rather than drag it on like a puppy with a crushed leg, we're just gonna let this thing die. I really appreciate everyones support through this thing, even the posts that sucked ass. I think it's been fun, and I plan on leaving this board around as long as Live Journal will let it linger, that way I can notify thos eof you who are interested if I ever do something like this again.
So, yep, it's been real, and short, and in the end, real short. Onward ho!
Jason
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September 29th, 2005
07:18 pm - I'm Back, You Bastards!
Ssshhh...
I'm packed in this little shithole of an apartment like a goddamn sardine, and it is good! I'm on the bad side of the bad side of town, living in a studio apartment that four heroin junkies used to own with no functional bathroom, but that's okay. Is that raw sewage I smell down the hall? No, my friends, thats the sweet, sweet smell of freedom!
I'm free you bastards! HAHAHAH!! I'm free, and I'm on my way to Antarctica! YES!
Of course... I need money first, don't I... I escaped the zoo and I've been on the lam since, which is where I've been. No more staring Rock Hoppers, no more bitch-ass humans, leering at me like sadistic voyuers looking in my living room window.
I'm free!
I... I'm free... and I live in this shit hole apartment that smells like the underside of sweaty balls. No joke, I mean, did someone on rub their sweaty nutsack on the walls or what? Jesus that smell is horrible...
I, uh... I almost miss the zoo...
No, no! I don't, I'm free!
I mean, you know, free after six, when I get off my shift at McDonalds... Work isn't so bad, you know... it's just for the meantime so I can save enough money to get a one-way ticket North, er, South! Which is pretty damn expensive, and this apartment isn't cheap.
Getting mugged twice a week isn't helping my budget either. I have to say, though, Big John and Bubba are gentle... They ask nice for the money and they only stab me once or twice now, which is better than the six times they stabbed me when I tried to fight. I tell you what, getting robbed every week is better than those damned crackheads. Every time I come home, they're huddled around my door fuckin' with the doorknob...
Which doesn't mattter, because if I had absolutely nothing in this apartment, it would be more than I have now! I don't have wallpaper, or walls in some places. Like the bathroom. And that fucking rat in the bathroom is as big as I am, and that eye patch makes him look really fucking mean. Everytime I take a shit I can hear him in there muttering about Columbian ties or something, but I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
Other than that, this is a really nice area! I don't know how those mindless apes keep themselves moving sometimes though, and I just cannot get that driving thing down. There's no way to reach the pedals, for one, and I think that car would last about five seconds on the street before it's a skeleton on blocks.
Fucking criminals.
I mean seriously, what's wrong with the world today? Violent rats and crackheads, man, I tell you.
Crack does smell good though... Like a burning Sprite bottle... mmm...
Well, off to work!
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August 3rd, 2005
04:33 pm - Hey!
Hi, everyone!
I've got to say, I'm glad to be here today! I mean, could you imagine if I were dead?! I couldn't! That would be sad, and only meanies like to be sad!
So, I woke up this morning, and guess where I was... the zoo! Hurray! They feed me here, and keep me safe from my natural predators! I get to run free and be a happy penguin here!
A happy, celebate penguin!
Remember, the best method of birth control is abstinence! Sex is for adults, and cheap whores that cost a nickel on the corner! Ha... ha... that's right! Sex is bad!
Very bad...
Oh... you dirty, bad, bad girl...
DAMMIT! I hate this fucking zoo!
I tried to be happy, but those life sucking bastards just keep drilling my captivity into me! Look at the penguin! Look, mommy, a penguin! He seems so happy! Yeah, that right, wench, I live in a ten foot by twelve foot cell and it keeps a smile on my face! Imagine being grounded... FOREVER, you twelve year old little whore!
ARGH!
You have no idea what they do to us after hours! In here all night with their needles and their stun guns. Vaccinate my ass! That would be more funny if they didn't actually do it!
"Smile! Pose! Swim!" Smile for the camera, smile and grin! Eat the fish, no matter how many we stuff down your throat!
It's like choking to death on a cold, slimy dick! Er, not that I know what a dick would feel like... or, well, tastes like... you know... because I'm straight...
Anyway, it's like living in a goddamn Vietnam POW camp here! Next we need a fucking gas chamber and we've got fucking Auschwitz in white! I swear, one more crazy ass girl comes in here babbling about how her boyfriend loves penguins and wants pictures, and I'm going to go fucking mad! Mad I say!
I don't even get to migrate for mating season! IS THERE EVEN A MATING SEASON ANYMORE?! AHHHH!
I haven't dippped the 'ole wick in so long, I don't even know what the oil smells like anymore, if you get my meaning! I mean, yeah, it smells like fish, but not just any fish! Not the fish I eat! Well, I mean... sometimes you gotta warm it up a little with some oral action, but you don't EAT it...
Aw, fuck, you know what I mean!
STRIKE ME DOWN, GOD, AND END MY SUFFERING!
Yeah, right! That would be too fucking merciful! No, no... let the suffering continue! I'm becoming quite the masochist! Pain! Hurt me! Hurt me!
Please fucking kill me!
I just want to get busy!!!
Sigh...
Let's find out if a penguin can drown...
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June 23rd, 2005
08:34 am - Good Morning!
I wish. I woke up yesterday morning and realized that my life still sucks. I was hoping this whole zoo thing would turn out to be a really bad dream, but instead realized my life WAS the nightmare. Ugh.
I was having a little sip of the ol' poo-water yesterday morning to sort of get things kicked off the right way, and Nelson came up to me. And that was it. He just fuckin' stood there, staring off into space, so I got a little creeped out and waddled off to go do nothing somewhere else. He followed.
At this point, I had two main thoughts running through my head.
1) Nelson is a moron, and;
2) He's finally gone ape-shit and he's about to kill me and eat my internal organs in an orgy of blood and violence before our keepers (who I hate) put him down like a rabid animal.
Neither was really that appealing. I can't stand dullards, especially really stupid ones.
So, I promptly got the fuck out of dodge, although my range was pretty limited. I couldn't go to the other side of the tank without fear of getting a healthy case of beat-down from the Humboldts due to that Juarez incident, and this side of the tank was not that large. So, I turned on Nelson and asked him what the fuck he was doing. I figured at least this way I'd see it coming, and hopefully he was going to be quick about the whole murdering me thing.
"Uh, Tim..." he begins, which astounded the hell out of me. I had no idea the King's were actually capable of complete sentances.
"Uh, Tim... tell me about the ladies."
Alright, I thought, this was bullshit. On the other hand, the King's were not known to engineer these kinds of pranks, and I doubt someone else would have bothered to put him up to it. He probably would have forgotten by the time he turned around if someone else had made him do this.
"Well, what do you want to know?" I asked him.
I have to say, he came to the right place. Now, I was worried my game might be a little too much for him, but then he's also got the brains of a deficient snail, so what could the harm be, right?
So, I told him everything I knew;
"Females," I told him. "They like a man with confidence, Nelson. You gotta tell it to 'em straight, right? Don't be afriad to tell them they look good, or compliment their hair, you know? Really, just say whatever you have to to get a piece of that pie, ya' dig?"
He nodded dumbly then shook his head, turned around, and wandered off. I think he got the point.
Actually, I know he got the point. He banged Courtney, Yvette, AND Rita.
FAIL! Wrong fuckin' answer! What the fuck?! I try everything in my playbook, and I get no love, but that fucking plank of dumb goes out, says he likes fish, and he's hittin' cakes with every female under the sun! FUCK! I tell them they've got nice shoes, I say I like their hair, I ask them if they want to fuck, and nothing! He goes over and just fuckin' talks about whatever it is that he talks about, and he's layin' pipe like an Alaskan oil baron!
Dammit!
That was all yesterday. Three females, one day. I get one a fucking month if I'm lucky. All my mack, all my skills, all my confidence for naught! My initial thought was that fcuking him has got to be like fucking a stupid inanimate object, but apparently not. I didn't know you could be an idiot savant in sex.
He's also hung like a walrus I hear.
Great.
I'm going to go find an electrical socket to stuff my beak into.
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June 16th, 2005
12:43 pm - Shame and Misfortune
So, apparently I'm famous!
http://www.riverfronttimes.com/issues/2005-06-15/news/unreal_1.html
(Way at the bottom...)
You people think this funny?! GOD! Sometimes I wonder if my life isn't just one big fucking joke for you primates to laugh at! Do I need to start selling t-shirts for you bastards to broadcast my anguish! Come to the zoo, you fuckers, come to the zoo and see what happens! I'll have all of you covered in poo-water before you can say "look at that pathetic bastard there!", I swear to God!
Well, you want to read something funny, do you? You like my suffering? Well try this on for size and see if it fits!
Juarez came back from rehab finally, and I decided I'd confront the bastard for putting it to Mimi, right? So I told him that if he ever stole another female from me again, I'd slap the shit out of him and send his ass back to the hospital. Granted the hospital thing didn't make much sense, but it sounded good.
Well that fucker was so scared he was standing there shaking in his fur, his little wings twitching and his strung-out, beady little eyes just kept darting back and forth. Man, I could smell his fear, that bitch, I could smell his fear and I liked it! I thought he was gonna start crying!
Then I realized it wasn't fear. Apparently it was withdrawls, and he wasn't in that great of a mood. So you know what he did?
THE FUCKER PECKED ME IN THE EYE!! He reared his little junky head back, and pecked me in the fucking eye!!
Well, that bastard had no idea what was coming, I'll tell you that. I ran so fast there was no way he could keep up! Next thing... next thing...
Oh god... I need a minute...
....
I swore I wouldn't man-weep... no man-weeping.... *sniffle* No!
....
Okay, I, I just need some tissues here... just a second...
....
Do you know how horrible things would have been if I was blind, even in one eye? As if I don't have enough to worry about in my life, that I need to be blind! I've sunk so low... I, my... my life is so horrible!
*unabashed man-weeping*
AHHHH! I've started eating those fucking fish, and I can't stop! I put on another pound! A whole fucking pound! I just sit around all day and mourn what I used to be! I was the fucking PENGUIN outside! I was free and I was strong! DAMN IT! The clean water, the fresh fish! WHY DO YOU HATE ME WORLD?!? It's like a fucking prison in here with no weight bench, and no death row, which we need, by the way, because I want to die!!
*sniffle*
Okay, no.. I'm alright. People think this shit is funny, huh? How funny do you think it is now?! You've got me, an Emperor Penguin openly man-weeping! IT'S NOT CRYING! DON'T SAY THAT!
Hoooo, boy... Okay. I'm alright.
Anyway, so, I haven't talked to Juarez since then, but every time I go to the top of the tank to get in for a swim, he's there staring at me with that red-eyed look of fury. Bob's no good for any help either, he just sit's there and shrugs, worthless fucker.
Oh, speaking of worthless, that reminds me. Craig and I we're talking the other day, you know, having some poo-water and just shooting the shit, which is pretty limited for Craig, and I saw the funniest thing ever! Some kid was there looking at us, and he had this stuffed walrus on the edge of the tank, wagging it around, and brandishing it at us like a weapon. Well, I guess that ingrate Craig thought it was real and dove into the water to get away from it! Bitch. I used to kick a walruses ass on the outside!
Then Juarez came up to me while I was alone, and I thought I should go after Craig. You know, keep an eye on him...
Well, I'm fucking leaving. You cock-wranglers. I'm going to go kick Juarez in his frozen little penguin balls. Maybe he'll shank me...
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June 10th, 2005
04:46 pm - I Say Nay!
So, Bob was asking me today if I'd run wingbird for him with Courtney. I guess some new Gentoo came along, and she's nothing to write home about, but she's randy as shit. Anyway, Bob wanted me to keep her busy while he worked his game on Courtney and I agreed, figuring it would be no big deal, right?
Wrong.
I swear to god, this bitch looks like my ass feels after a night of eating Thai food. She wasn't fat, she seemed to have good hygiene, but damn was she just fucking ugly! The worst part is, no one's given this female the time of day in her whole life but me, and not even because I wanted too!
I told Bob he owed me his fucking first born for this one, then I remembered what having a kid was like and took it back. Instead, I told him he better get me some seconds on Courtney when he was done, or I was going to whip his ass.
Anyway, back to this fugly work of modern horror I was being coerced into flirting with. She had teeth for the love of god! We're fucking penguins! We have beaks, not teeth! This crazed sasquatch of a woman had both!
You know, I want to explore this tooth thing a little deeper. Why the fuck did this hit-and-run victim need teeth? What did she really have to rip into to eat? Frankly, it scares the fucking shit out of me to think about!
Goddamn.
Well, after that fucking fiasco Courtney still wouldn't hook-up with Bob, so neither of us came out of that situation with anything except nightmares. And let me tell you, they're vivid. Last night, I had a dream that I was making love to Fifi, and I looked up to her head, and it was like staring into the belly of the beast's, belly. GAH! Fucking teeth, man!
So, yeah. Now that I think about it, if I stare long enough it may turn me stone. Or, it may get me unwanted sexual attention from a goddamn extra terrestrial with a fucking acne problem.
Whatever. As long as I'm ead when it's over.
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June 1st, 2005
03:08 pm - The Day Hope (and Pride, and Joy, and Life) Died
Those fuckers.
I swear to God, if those goddamn zoo keepers change the locks on me again, I'll go mad. Murder all around! A hearty helping of slow, agonizing death for everyone, I swear!
Well, they technically didn't change the locks, they just raised the doorhandle about four inches, but still. Fucking mutant chimpanzees have the brains of a retarded envelope. I know how to use a step-ladder! Underestimate me, will they? I'll show them all...
But in other news, Mimi finally came back and claimed her kid. Bitch. Apparently it wasn't the accent that was Juarez's problem, or his dashing good looks and debonaire style; it was his poo-water addiction. He's in rehab for about six months, and after the stories the Humboldts were telling about Mimi, no one is going to go near her for along time. She's got all the time in the world for that runt, especially now that everyones afraid of catching Ghonaherpasyphalaids from the dirty cooze. Of course, I saw Nelson over there talking with her, and by the glossed over look in his eyes, she may have another target. Of course, Nelson always has a glassy-eyed look because he's got the intelligence of a hay bale, so... who knows?
Oh, but get this! I've got an admirer, I do! Yeah, it's Sean, the fucking Rockhopper ringleader. Man, I can't even look to the other side of the tank without him waving his little wings around his crotch and making kissy-faces at me. Last night he tried to get me drunk and seduce me, and I had to get Bob to help pull him off, the horny little ass-plunderer. On some level though, I guess it is kinda flattering... but I'm not gay!
In other news, some kid was in here today watching an illegal copy of Madagascar on his laptop. That movie... I laughed, I cried... I was given hope by those penguins, for once in the entirity of my ego-ravaging stay here in Casa de Blistering Inferno of Pain and Misery. Naturally, as soon as that little ray of light began to bud in my soul and in my heart, Sean started groping my ass, and the light snuffed like a cheap cigar rolled in shit.
Anyway, like I was saying, I saw the penguins in Madagascar, and frankly, they were amazing. Of course, you won't see them getting any Oscar niminations. It's the way of the fucking world, I tell you. No respect... They deserve every bit of freedom they get, and they've inspired me... now I just need a plan to go with my inspiration, and friends who've got some guts! So, I'm pretty much shit out of luck.
I noticed a strange smell the other day, and at first I thought it was the crap-ridden water I'm forced to swim and bathe in, then I realized it was my life that smelled like sweaty balls dipped in gasoline.
Sey la gair... er, Se la garre... or, well, Se lay gwar... well, whatever. You know what I mean.
Anyway, I'm going to go tie a bucket full of fish to my legs and take a swim. Maybe the Kings will will eat me alive before I drown.
Last on in the pool is a dirty, rotten piece of filth who I hate! I hate you all! I hate myself!!
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May 25th, 2005
01:06 pm - Murder
Last night I did it...
Ssshh.... someone's coming...
...
Okay, it was just Craig. I've got that dumb bastard baby-sitting the kid so I could get some fresh air. I needed it.
Juarez is dead.
I took that piece of faux-ice, and I got up to my throat, and I was hit by a moment of inspiration: Destroy the Humboldts!
Cold, gruesome murder it was... I took that piece of faux-ice, and I found Juarez just sticking it to Mimi, if you know what I mean. I dropped the jagged piece of death between two rocks, got it wedged good, and then shoved Juarez into it. The brutal shard ripped right through his chest and showered Mimi with blood. I jumped into the water, adn I was gone, quick as the elusive Arctic Karp.
I knew she saw me! The keepers came in the next day, and they saw the body, and Mimi didn't say anything... she just sat there, naked and petrified, staring into the abyss of her traitorous soul to see blood and fury of a lover spurned looking back. It felt so good! I was empowered! She'd never squawk a word, and the Humboldts knew that I meant fucking business! I'd never get crossed again, and I coudl have any Gentoo I wanted!!
Then, that fucking kid started pecking me in the goddamn eye and I woke up. Nothing like waking up at two in the morning to throw-up in some bastards mouth to make you feel like a man.
No, no, I dreamt about murder, and woke up to the soul-crushing reality of my pathetic existance. Mimi is actually fucking Hernando now, and I could just as well shoot myself. I talked to Juarez, and he gave me a veilded threat I think, something about 'when you make love to a plank, expect the fence to get fixed', or something like that. I can't understand half the shit he says in that fucking accent.
Bob finally stopped stealing the egg, after he realized that if it hatched while he had it, I was going to make him keep it. Yeah, smart move on my part. I should have rolled the thing into the water and forgot about it, but noooo...
I tried working my mojo on another Courtney, but well, it's hard to work your game when you've got regurgitate half-way through a sentance for a kid that won't fucking shut up.
"Feed me! Swim! Feed me!"
Little bastard. Half the shit he says I can't understand anyway, a constant reminder that Juarez is breeding now. The apes come in here every now and again and marvel at how cute it is.
"Look at the baby! It's a baby penguin! Oooh!"
It's a fucking parade through here at about noon when the apes come out in droves to gawk and stare. I bet if they had to hork up their lunch to feed the fucking thing, it wouldn't be so damn cute anymore.
Mimi... bitch.
Well, the kid want's fed... again. Hopefully my internal organs will come up this time and end my suffering.
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May 20th, 2005
04:08 pm - Yes, I'm Still In Hell
Sigh.
So, I was talking to Craig today... well, at least I think it was Craig. Those King's all look so fucking similar! Mother Nature, you cruel mistress...
Anyway, I was talking to Craig, trying to help him see the light of our situation, but all I got out of the daft bastard was;
"Fish? Eat? Swim? Fish?"
I hate him for his ignorance, and loathe him for his bliss.
Lucky fucker has no idea the rotten hole of filth we're in, and he never will. I bet he expects a fucking whale to beach itself any minute and start trying to gobble us up. Doesn't he know we're in a zoo?? For God's sake, I've already gained 12 ounces! I've got nothing to do! You can only stand that shit-ridden pool of skag for twenty minutes before you've got to get out for fear of toxioplasmosis!
Oh, and before I forget, if I have to eat one more of those pre-dead fish, I'm going to fucking kill myself. It just hangs there in the water like my life; bloated and going nowhere. I had options on the outside! I had potential! Now I can't even get the ole' chilly willy fed, if you know what I mean. Those fucking Humboldts...
Speaking of the Humboldts, Juarez knocked up Mimi, and she's already dropped an egg! Then, get this: the bitch comes crawling back to me, asking me to waddle around with that fucking thing on my feet until it hatches, squawking about how much she loves me and misses me! Can you believe that bitch?! She leaves me for some wanna-be Don Juan, and then comes to me to take care of the fucking kid, so she can go run off and get knocked up again!
And let me tell you; this fucking egg is uncomfortable. It's riding a little high, and a bit to close to the twig and giggle berries. I haven't even seen Mimi in three days, and I know she's not off getting food to fatten up for this kid! She's fuckin' that goddamn Humboldt again! I can hear her in the background now!
"Oh Juarez, oh Juarez!"
Cunt!!
Fuck I wish I were dead.
Anyway, I've got to get this craptastic egg tucked back in here, and make sure no bullshit antics occur from Bob. He's been trying to play 'Hide-the-Egg' since this whole fiasco started, and I'm about to freak out. Last time he gave it to the Rockhoppers! I'm not even getting into what I had to do to get the damn thing back...
Anyway, I think I found a loose piece in the fucking faux-ice siding of this place. I'm going to go try and impale myself on it.
Kill me.
Please.
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May 17th, 2005
06:10 pm - I Dare Say, My Life Sucks
You know, things haven't always been like this. There was a time that I was free to roam the Antarctic, swimming and eating among the ice flows, evading killer whales and walruses with my cunning and wit.
But that all came to a crashing halt.
At first, it wasn't so bad, you know? I got to roam around and swim all I wanted with no fear of my natural predators. I was fed, and all the penguin love I could handle was at my wing-tips.
And I say, for the record, that those hairless gorrillas are lucky I've got wings. If I had opposable thumbs, it would be murder, plain and simple. A dead human floating face down in the frigid water that we all shit in, bloated and rotting. Slowly, ever so slowly.
At the very least, I get that shitty water in those stupid galoshes once a week.
Anyway, after a while, the love went out of our relationship, the humans and mine. They just started stuffing those fucking fish down my throat and throwing them carelessly at us. They nudge us with those boots, and push us out of the way. Ooooh, my rage knows no bounds.
I can't even get any respect among the other penguins! Only John and Bob give me any thought at all, and that's only because we're the only three Emperors here, dammit. Those fucking King penguins would be alright if they weren't all as dumb as a stupid cinder block. Craig, Martin, Nelson, and Jane are their names, and they're alright outside of being idiots.
Don't even get me started on those flaming Rockhoppers. Their heads are practically on fire they're so gay. I can't even walk by without them checking out my tail! Little buggerers. I wouldn't care if they were a little more... decent! But noooo, cat-calls and whistles are all I hear from those bastards.
Oh, and those goddamn Humboldts! I can't pull down a decent piece of tail without Enrique, Juarez, Alejandro, or Hernando moving in and putting a cock block on me. They've got a couple fine females out there, like Martina and Rita, and Juanita's not bad, but I'd have to turn out the lights for that one. Anyway, they think they're so fucking fantastic with their exotic accents and swarthy manners. Fuckers.
Now, the Gentoo's, there's a fine lot of females. I'd like to get some pegging done on that board, if you know what I mean. Fifi, Marie, Mimi, Yvette, and Courtney... mmmm, oui.
I had a little fling once with Mimi, oh yes. The night was late, and we'd both had a little too much poo-water, but the time was right. I moved. She moved. The earth moved. Then that rat-bastard Juarez came a long and started snatching up all that fine penguin be-hind.
Well, anyway. That's it for now.
I'm going to go find a sharp object to rip my own throat out with.
I hate life.
Current Mood:  discontent
Current Music: Pantera
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